Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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