Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
