is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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