I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
