You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
