I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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