If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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