I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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