I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
