I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
