Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
