Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
