Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I smell like Dick and happiness
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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