Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
