never play flip cup with pint glasses
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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