Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
