As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
