It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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