I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
