So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
