When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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