I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
