I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
