Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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