I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize