Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
