Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
