You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
