we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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