my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
