Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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