u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
where are you?
Hypothermia
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
But break dance skills will only take you so far
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
