theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
