found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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