Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
