Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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