Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
