It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
