Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
