I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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