Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
