Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
