DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize