Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
