booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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