did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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