she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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