I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Boobs speak an international language.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
