I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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