Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
