Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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