Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
