Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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