you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
