I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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