Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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