Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize